The Guide to Writing Guides...Pojo Edition

Posted on Sunday, January 10, 2010

Hi you all my know me as ***** ***** or if you follow my blog you would also know my username is EternalPhoenix13 or E.P.B. for short. What I am here to talk about today is a little something I would like to call the Guide to Guides. To tell you the truth this is a wee bit of a spoof, but it must be done because Pojo strategy section has essentially devolved itself into a place where it is all just guides. To start out let us look at how to start your guide.

First of all, pick a theme. You can pick any theme, or even a decktype! Hell you could even make one up! The reason why you do this is to poster child a theme. What I mean by this is that you are essentially slapping your name on the theme, so if the theme ever does well in an actual tournament not filled with four year olds then you can be the first jackass to raise his hand and go "I thought of that first."

Also you want your name to be forever associated with that theme, and be the authority on the theme. This entitles never ever never never ever being wrong about the theme never ever. See everyone is wrong, after all, you are supposed to be the authority to the theme and have your name attached to it, so how can you be wrong? The answer is you isn't!

The next thing to do is to start writing your guide. You have to begin your guide with something eye catchy and completely irrelevant to the actual because you need all of the sheeple to follow your every word. The way to start this is to include the lore and history of the cards, even if it is something as ridiculous as Batteryman. You in turn make up mythical stories that is something akin to a third grader writing a fairy tale, with terrible punctuation and all. Nothing is wrong with this though since technically you're not even wrong. Remember you are teh authority.

The next thing to do after you have finished writing the thesis/fairy tale is to find all of the cards for the theme. By all of the cards I mean all of the cards. Even if the theme has cards that no player in their right mind would ever run you still need to cover those cards because the cards are so irrelevant that they become relevant. So by golly gee, if your theme has a Thousand Eyes Idol, then you go on right ahead and include it.

The next bit is tricky. You have to write descriptions for all of the cards. The reason why this is so tricky is because you have to reword the cards original effect in such a way that you provide NO useful or relevant information, but still making it look like you did because you posted something in YOUR OWN WORDS. This is the most important concept. Being relevant is bad.

Don't forget to tell your ready how many copies he or she must include. Remember, when you are doing your best to promote originality, you must make everyone play the same original deck as you straight down to the very last original card. Originality is only original if everybody else is doing it the same way as you. Besides, it is not like decks in yu-gi-oh can have multiple variants.

Now we are starting to get close to the end of the guide. We still have a few more things we have to cover though. The next thing is including deck lists. You must now include deck lists to every variant the theme has. Make sure you only use the authorities on the theme. Which really should be you. This is the point where you use your most intelligent peons to make different deck lists according to variation. Don't worry if the variants of the decks contradict what you posted in your guide. Why? Because you are never wrong. You can't be. Also no one really notices these contradictions anyway. After all your peons wrote those deck lists, and they are sure as hell not as right as you.

Finally to give your guide credibility you should post some win loss records against relevant deck types. This is also an important step, you need to remember to make your test results as small as possible. For example if you have played a Blackwings only 3 times and have beaten them twice then you need to make sure everyone knows that you have a good match-up versus Blackwings. With a sample size that small and someone as right as you how could be wrong? Don't forget to make sure everyone knows how good at the game you are.

The last step is the final one. If anyone comes in telling you you ideas don't work then you must defend yourself. For example if someone says you are wrong (you know you can not be) than you must post some random insult to the credibility of that poster, even if your insult is not true. Or defend yourself with zero-logic. Zero-logic is the idea that if you sound logical, then your ideas will be presented as such and the masses will believe you. Make sure you get your peons to join in and tell you how right you are, and then you can agree that "Yes I am right, thank you!" Even if you look completely stupid doing so.

Writing guides is a difficult job, if you follow this guide than you will be ready to write your very own guide. All you have to do is follow these simple steps.

E.P.B.